


Carry Me to Valhalla

by HistorieforTeller



Category: Assassin's Creed Valhalla
Genre: Angst, Control, Desperation, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reconciliation, Sex, Top Sigurd, Torture, Violence, argument, bottom Eivor, complicated relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:14:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28220739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HistorieforTeller/pseuds/HistorieforTeller
Summary: He has to make him listen to reason, and he doesn’t want to wait for doing that. Wants to help his brother to find his path again, to not let him lose himself even more in his darkness, so he decides that the best way to make things better is to go see him, to talk to him once and for all to explain everything. And if it doesn’t make Sigurd go back to his normal self then... Then Eivor should concider to do something else. To stop being that faithfull, that loyal to him. Sigurd is actually no longer in state to rule the colony. And Eivor knows what that thought means and what it involves. He will really betray him. It can’t be the end of their friendship, it can’t be. He will fight against it.
Relationships: Eivor/Sigurd Styrbjornson
Comments: 14
Kudos: 46





	1. Open doors of the other world

**Author's Note:**

> I made some research about homosexuality among Vikings and I found out that the one who took it or was the most effeminate was the one who was homosexual. The bottom was obligatory homosexual but the top wasn't. I also found that Odin was also the God of magic and so, like magic was something typicaly feminine for Vikings, there was some discussion about the fact that Odin was homosexual and so... Well, the bottom lol  
> I found it interesting so I write it here. But also because that can help to understand a bit more what Sigurd said at one point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made some research about homosexuality among Vikings and I found out that the one who took it or was the most effeminate was the one who was homosexual. The bottom was obligatory homosexual but the top wasn't. I also found that Odin was also the God of magic and so, like magic was something typicaly feminine for Vikings, there was some discussion about the fact that Odin was homosexual and so... Well, the bottom lol  
> I found it interesting so I write it here. But also because that can help to understand a bit more what Sigurd said at one point.

Eivor wasn't ready for what he saw inside this insane and hideous room of torture. Couldn't belive what he found here, what he discovered. If he could, he would have gouged his own eyes, he would have done whatever he could to forget what he saw, to erase it from his memories. To make it untrue. To make it a lie. An horrible manipulation, but only that. Not the truth. Not the reallity. So, for days he belived that it was not Sigurd's arm that he found but that it was someone else's arm. It makes it easier for him to still have hope that one day he will rescue his brother, his jarl, his reason to fight and to live, to save the one who made him in the man he is now. This is why when he finally found Sigurd in the hands of that slut of Fulke, with his precious right arm missing, his heart broke. Because he was really too late, because every little hopes he felt were lies, were fake, and so, he knew that the brother he used to love is not the one in front of him now. The Sigurd who is watching him is not exactly the same, a part of him died inside this hellish room, and Eivor doesn't know how to sew it up this two parts of him, how to heal him, make him find peace again, make him happy again. 

He feels so pathetic when he thinks about the fact that if he has been quicker, faster, if he had just done the right things, maybe,  _ just maybe _ , he would have been able to really save in time his precious jarl. But he wasn't, and now, it's his shame to bear, he will show it to his whole clan, to all the habitants of Ravensthorpe, he will carry on his mistakes until the day he dies, he knows it. And he will do it, he will not fail that. He will never ever again fail Sigurd. Never. 

He feels his brother's eyes on his, feels his cold glance, his judgemental one, the one he never gave to him before this mess. Before Fulke, before Basim or even before they come to England. And it hurts, it hurts so bad that he can't even look back at him, he only looks at the ground, his face surely showing his pain and worries about his best friend. His brother in arms, the one who saved his life when they where younger. The one for who he will die for in the blink of an eye. He will not regret it if he had to sacrifice himself for his brother's interests, whatever they're are. He would take any torture for him, maybe even he would condemn himself to never go to valhalla if it means that Sigurd will forgive him, will love him like he used to do once upon a time, he will damn himself to spend eternity inside the helheim if in exchange he could give Sigurd's arm back. But the cold treatment that is given to him is worst than anything, worse than any torture or any hell. It hurts so much, his breath is catched up inside his chest and he feels his throat tightening. And there is just a glance, not even words, not even the venomous and accusatory tone. Just a look and he's as weak than when he was a young boy, only able to watch his parents die without being able to do nothing else. 

"What are you trying to do, Eivor?" The jarl asks, his voice hard and filled with anger, his missing arm still being something strange to see for the Viking, even more when he always considered himself as Sigurd's right hand. And now, it seems there is no right hand anymore, neither in a literally, nor in a metaphorically manner. There is nothing but the distrust that Sigurd feels toward him and Eivor's pain. He takes time to answer, gulping and trying with too much difficulties to swallow his saliva before saying, his voice being unsure and lost, his eyes still staring at the ground "I wasn't trying anything, I just wanted to be helpful, to let you time to rest yourself. You don't need to do too much, you can take your time, we can wait." At that, Sigurd laughs meanly, visibly not trusting anything coming out of Eivor's mouth. But why? He cannot understand what's going on inside his brother's head, him who used to understand him without even needing to hear anything, as if their minds was one. But it was in the past. Now, Sigurd's spirit seems too far. Too lost in the mist of his own thoughts, memories and madness. Sickness. "Yes, of course, I should take my time to let you have all the power. To let you steal my titles, to let you replace me. I will not let it happen, you have my word." 

Eivor is looking now at his jarl's eyes, desperate at the idea that he could really be lost forever inside the prison and the destructions that Fulke created in his mind. "Of course not, you're my jarl, how could you doubt about it? After all I did for you?" This time his voice raised a little but is still very concerned. Sigurd rolls his eyes and shakes his head and, before turning back to go, he answers "I can see better, I can see the truth. I can see what lies are hidden behind this facade of loyalty. And what you did for me? We could talk about it for hours. I know the truth, Eivor. You can't lie to me anymore." And the Viking is just shocked, doesn't found any words at first but when he sees the other leaving, he tries to catch his arm back but failed, calling him with a broken and panicked voice, scared at the idea that there is only Sigurd's ghost left to haunt him. That he's really dead and that he's imagining everything. So he just looks at his back, watching him go out, Eivor's eyes being drowned in an ocean that he doesn't want to navigate in. But, when he turns too to go inside his room to get his thoughts in order, he crosses Randvi's eyes, and she looks worried too, but not as much for Sigurd than for him. After all, she loves him, like she should love Sigurd. She wants to say something but he stops her, raising his hand to show that he doesn't want to discuss about anything and leaves her alone, closing his door behind him before leanning back against it, sighing loudly and passes a hand on his tired face. He just wants to make Sigurd understand that everything he makes until now was for him, only him. And he doesn't want his throne, doesn't want to lead their clan. Just wants to serve him. If only he could make him understand.

He doesn’t want their precious friendship to end like that, it’s not possible, it can’t be. He refuses. But the emotion is stronger than him right now, and he can’t fight anymore, it’s too much for him and so he just lets himself fall on the ground, his head full with worries and sorrow. Even the thought of the party that will happen tonight is not enough to make him smile or hope, neither to feel just a little less abandoned and alone. He doesn’t want to make a party, doesn’t want to face Sigurd, doing as if nothing is happening between them. He doesn’t need to drink to forget because no mead could sooth his pain. But he will go, he will pretend and he will smile. He will be strong, for his peoples, for Sigurd and first of all, for himself.

* * *

The night is not even completly fallen that the party is well started, the worriors drink, sing and dance like the drunks they are, eating less than drinking mead, dancing less than fighting and singing less than screaming. The whole thing makes him smile fondly, happy to see his men enjoying themself, forgeting only for a while all the events that happened to them. Eivor avoided any discution since the beginning of the festivities, prefering to watch the others having fun than forcing himself in a mood, alcohol will only make worse his feelings and sadness and it will be a very bad idea to show weakness in these hard times. No, he’s fine with just watching. Even if he knows that he’s not the only one who is enjoying the night in the same manner. Randvi and Sigurd are acting the same. Randvi is looking at him with the same eyes than the ones she had earlier and he doesn’t like the fact that she looks at him with pity. He doesn’t need pity, doesn’t need her concerns. The truth is that he feels more ashamed to feel anger toward her for just being concerning than being really angry at her for feeling like that for him. She’s a good friend but he can’t love her back. He can’t betray Sigurd. And he can’t put her in this kind of indelicate situation, she doesn’t deserve it. Neither of them do. But, maybe, just maybe if he had feel the same toward her, maybe he would have surrender and accepted her feelings. Maybe he would have succumb. And so destroy everything. 

No, happily he doesn’t have feelings for her. But, he has feelings for someone else and the issue will not be better. Eivor knows it. Knows that his love should stay as a deep secret and he should continue to hide it as well as he done until now. No one never thought about his romantical life, and he wants to keep it that way. And when he says that no one never been interested in it, it doesn’t include Randvi because, well, obviously she loves him, and the other one is Sigurd. As surprising as it is, the man was always curious about his heart’s desires and was always disappointed when Eivor just keeps his mouth shut or answers vaguely. But he just couldn’t say bluntly that he loves him since so many years now. He couldn’t tell at his brother that he has feelings for him, strong feelings, the ones which push him to do everything for him, to become his right handed man to only have the possibility to live even more closer to him, to be by his sides whenever he will need him. He dedicated his life to his jarl and until recently Sigurd seemed to know that, to be even thankfull about his indestructible and with no end loyalty. As if with Eivor by his sides, his obligations and his visions of a great future to built and to rule were less heavy, that him, Eivor, took a bit of this weight and makes it easier for his jarl. And really, it was enough to be that for Eivor. He was important in Sigurd’s life and he couldn’t ask for more. But now, it’s like he forgot everything they lived together, done together. As if Eivor was like some stranger that no one could trust. That Sigurd  _ should not _ trust. And it’s hurtfull. It breaks his heart like nothing else could. 

He has to make him listen to reason, and he doesn’t want to wait for doing that. Wants to help his brother to find his path again, to not let him lose himself even more in his darkness so he decides that the best way to make things better is to go see him, to talk to him once and for all to explain everything. And if it doesn’t make Sigurd go back to his normal self then... Then Eivor should concider to do something else. To stop being that faithfull, that loyal to him. Sigurd is actually no longer in state to rule the colony. And Eivor knows what that thought means and what it involves. He will really betray him. It can’t be the end of their friendship, it can’t be. He will fight against it. 

With that in mind he goes to Sigurd’s throne where he is sitting on, watching with a clear disinterested look on his face the festivities, drinking with absence the mead inside his glass, his right arm being still the only thing that Eivor can focus on. The vision makes his heart squeezes painfully. But he finally looks away, bitting his lip in anticipation about what is coming, his anguish pusling deeply inside his veins until he’s at his jarl’s level and this time he feels coldness taking over him. For a few seconds he can’t say anything and only looks at Sigurd blindly who mades an uncomprehensible expression at Eivor’s behaviour. « What do you want ? » he asks, his voice less chilling and blank than the last time they talked and it eases his fears a bit, just enough to make it easier to talk to him. « I need to talk to you. In private, if that possible. » And for some times, there is just the whole messy sound of the party and of the drunks answering to him, Sigurd keeping his mouth shut. But he finally answers, waving his hand in direction of Randvi « If you want to talk, you can go to her. I know that she would be very  _ pleased _ about that. » And the cold is back in his voice, his glance hard and merciless. « What... You know that she... ? » He can’t express himslef clearly, too taken aback by what Sigurd just blows up at his face. « Yes, I know. It’s simple to see what she feels for you. Unlike you she is easy to read. That’s a good point about her but, about you, I can’t tell. Maybe you already cheated on me. But who cares, right ? ». This time he doesn’t even look at Eivor who feels his fear trying to drown him, to make him hopless and to abandon his desire to make peace with his brother. 

« I don’t love her. I told her that she’s just a friend. I would never do such a thing to you. » He says honestly and Sigurd seems to belive him. His eyes go softer and he raises himself from his sit and makes a sign to Eivor to follow him, speaking while walking to Eivor’s room, under Randvi’s eyes staring at them : « I know. She told me. I don’t know why I keep telling you this kind of things. I’m not... I’m not... Well, everything has been hard for me... For us, lately. I think I am still tired and well, I have a lot of things in mind. »

« I know, brother. I know. » and these words visibly worth everything in the world for Sigurd who seems to feel more at ease, more relaxed, like if he could rely on Eivor once again. But it doesn’t last very longer, when they are inside Eivor’s room, he’s tense again, his last hand on his hip, his face closed. « So, about what you want to talk ? ». For a moment he’s only looking at his jarl, his eyes surely expressing his regrets and sorrow like no words could. « I want to understand Sigurd. I want to know why you seem so distant, why you doesn’t trust me anymore. Why do you think I took my time to come rescue you ? I did everything I could, I raised an army, I could have burned this whole kingdom to come and saved you. Sigurd, you -» He spoke in one go but than his brother cuts him, fire in his soul and bones « You ask me why ? You discuss about my orders, you take my sit and do as if you were the jarl. You just don’t care anymore about my orders, you live your life as if I don’t exist anymore, as if I’m the crazy one. I am not crazy, I know what I saw, what I felt. You can’t deny me that ! »

« But you don’t say why you’re accusing me to have taken my time when this witch tortured you, when  _ you know _ that it’s false ! » he screams at his brother, desesperate to have any response about all his accusations. This time it’s Sigurd who stays silent fo a while, looking at the ceiling and than the ground, to finally look at the wall behind Eivor to answer him « I don’t know why I said that. I know that you did your possible to rescue me but... For me. When I was in this... Jail. It feels so long. It feels damn long Eivor. » There is sadness in his voice, sadness and something else that Eivor can’t support to hear, can’t stand to see, not on Sigurd’s face and voice. He can’t stand to see how much something is lost in him, how much that thing is broken. The wound are so deep, still bleeding, still painful and it seems that nothing could heal him. « I’m sorry, I tried to be faster but, it was as if she always knew when to run anway in time with you. I swear I did everything I could and I know it was not enough. » 

« I know. » He’s stern while answering, his look lost inside his own ocean which doesn’t want to become a storm, too fiercy to let it go. 

« Than why are you treating me like that ? Why are you acting like that ? »

« Acting like what ? I’m not mad, Eivor. I know that it seems incredible but I speak truth and deep down you know that too. And... I told you, I’m tired, I have too much things in my mind, sometimes I just don’t know what I say. »

And there is silence once again. Eivor is now angry at his brother because he’s not being compeltly sincere, he’s lying, he knows it, he knows Sigurd too well to be fooled that easily. He needs truth, the whole truth, if not than he will just stop everything. Put an end at it. « No, you seemed well aware about what you were saying. You thought what you said. » Sigurd closes his eyes and than turns his back at Eivor, passing his hand on his face to rubb it before turning back and facing Eivor brutally, hatred, anger, grief and despair being a strange but powerful mixe on his face and voice : « What do you think Eivor ? I came back to see that you’re nearly the jarl now, that Dag is dead, that everyone looks at you when they need anything. Even Randvi loves you, even though she is my wife ! And me ? I’m still with an arm missing, with much more scares than before and not from battle, I didn’t gained them with honor and glory. I have these things in my eyes and head that will never leave me and that you couldn’t even imagine. I know some truth and no one wants to belive me. Not even you. So yes, Eivor. Yes, I mean it when I said those things to you because I’m angry and I feel pathetic, weak. Are you happy now ? You have stripped me from that last bits of honor that were still left in me. Now, just... Go to the party, go fuck my wife but leave me alone. » 

The Viking is left without voice, his beating heart wanting to get out of his chest and he feels his tears in the corners of his eyes, ashamed to not have even thought for one second that maybe Sigurd is just still in pain because of what Fulke done to him. About what he lost and what he had gone through alone, waiting for him to come rescue him, to get him out of this crazy hell. « I should have give Fulke a worse death. I should have ripped her apart and give you her head. I should have just burn everything to come and save you in time. I’m sorry. I’m very sorry. But, I will not obey, I want to stay here. With you. » His tirade about Fulke makes at least Sigurd smile and he just left himself sit on the bed, his arm between his legs, his tiredness visible on his face and he seems so much more older now. Eivor goes to his side, his shoulder bumping with Sigurd’s one and he resists to the urge to put his head against his brother’s one. He needs so much more touch like that. Needs to feel him alive, to feel and hear his beating heart, his breath. Feels his fingers going on his cheek to sooth him when the memories of his dead parents are becoming too hard to bear alone. He needs his brother back. 

« You know that I could die for you ? » he whispers, more for himself than for his jarl, it’s like he’s declaring his feelings for him. That makes him laugh too but it’s genuin, it’s soft and sweet. « I know, but I prefere that you don’t. » And he puts his head against Eivor’s who’s heart is ready to burst in thousand of parts. He feels that the ambiance is better now between them but his stomach is still tensed, worried at the idea that maybe it will change nothing, maybe his brother will be lost forever.  « Are we fine now ? » he says in a breath, closing his eyes to enjoy the moment as much as he can, hoping to have a positive answer, nearly rubbing his head angainst Sigurd’s. « Yes, I think so. It will be fine, I promise. Everything will be fine. » And Eivor wants to kiss him so bad, the urge is so strong that it difficults to fight against it, to resist and not succomb, to stay just a brother. He doesn’t need to create a new problem between the two of them. He doesn’t want to argue like that with his jarl ever again. He still hesitate about the fact to take Sigurd’s hand in his, worried at the reaction of the concerned if he does it but Sigurd had to see his struggles and guesses right about what because he does it. He takes Eivor’s hand in his, squeezing it with a smile, a chuckle going out of his mouth when he sees the Viking shocked reaction. « What are you doing ? » he asks, taken aback when his brother gets back a little to observe him in the white of the eyes before getting closer. Too close. « Something that I see you wanting to do so many times. » His smirk is still on his lips, his look being provocative and there is something else in it, something that Eivor saw before but he doesn’t remember any time when it was for him. 

« And what it is ? You’re acting strange my brother. » he scratches his throat, wanting absolutly to not have his hopes up. At that Sigurd rolls his eyes and sighs before putting his hand on Eivor’s shoulder and answers with some sort of annoyance « Don’t take me for a fool and stop pretending that you have no clue about what I’m talking about. You want it. As much as me. » And he kisses him. It’s soft at first, when the Viking doesn’t know if he should kiss him back or not, his spirit wanting too much to get free, to let himself just enjoying what is given to him that he just ends by encercling Sigurd’s waist, pushing his lips back to his. Than, his jarl makes the kiss harder, more passionate, more hot and devoring, nibbling his lip before kissing hard, his fingers rubbing his throat’s skin, making Eivor’s belly warm and tickling. It feels good to have this lips against his, it’s strange but not in an abnormal way, on the contrary it feels so true, so right, as if they were made for this. His own hands grips Sigurd’s hips, wanting to stay hooked at him forever, to never let him go, not never broke the kiss. Gods, he never thoughts that it will feel so good. Even if it’s forbidden, even if the Gods won’t appreciate it he couldn’t care less, Sigurd feels the same toward him, he wants him as much as him, it’s too good to be true but it is. 

His jarl breaks the kiss, letting their mouths touch lightly each other in a teasing manner which makes the Viking shiver and he knows that it makes some effect on Sigurd too. « Well, I was right, like always. » He murmurs with a smile and Eivor can’t supress is own happy laugh, opening his eyes to look at his jarl’s ones, seeing joy inside them but also something like lust. And that desire pushes Eivor to answer while touching more Sigurd in an intimate way, searching to know his body by heart, even the parts that he shouldn’t look for : « You know it since when ? Since when you want it too ? » His mind is foggy and he can’t think straight, staring only at this beautiful lips that he wants to kiss again, to taste them better. He wasn’t even waiting for an answer but he gets it « I know what you feel since a long time, not that you weren’t discreet but sometimes you had those eyes that didn’t lie about your true feelings. And I don’t know since when I want it too. But what I do know it’s that I want you now. » He puts again his lips against Eivor’s, his hand inside his hair as well, pushing more against him while Eivor open his mouth, wanting to know more about everything that he could feel and make Sigurd feel. Their tongues meet each other and dance together and that makes Eivor’s crotch awaiken very suddenly and hard, pleasure and lust becoming palpable inside his bedroom. The air is thin and he knows that he will want more, need more, and he doesn’t know how much he will need it, if he could control himself or not. And until where Sigurd wants to go.

His jarl pushes him against the bed sheets and keeps him here with his hand, sitting on Eivor’s laps, watching him with something carnivor shining inside his iris, licking his lips at the same time and smiling when he feels the buldge inside Eivor’s pants who’s blushing at that, doesn’t knowing what will happen now. He puts again his hands on Sigurd’s hips, wanting to keep him here on him like that, to feel his boner too again and again, even if this will doom themself to helheim until eternity, at least they will be together. He doesn’t care if it doesn’t please Odin or any other Gods. He wants to love Sigurd and be loved by him like that. He bites his lip, stroking with his fingers Sigurd’s hips, looking at him with anticipation. His jarl kisses him strongly, pushing out every air out of Eivor’s lungs and than kisses his throat, sucking it, sink his teeth inside the flesh gently, doesn’t going near the scar that was left by wolf, and when his lips go there, it is only to kiss it, to breath against it and makes the Viking shiver like hell. His eyes are closed and his hands are searching for the buckles of Sigurd’s belt and when he makes it, he throws it away, letting it falls loudly on the ground. He hears Sigurd laugh at that and his breath being catch in his throat when Eivor touches gently his penis, feeling in his palm the hot and heavy member, gorged with blood and life. « I never though that you wanted me. Two men, it’s forbidden by the Gods. » he whispers for them, watching attentively Sigurd’s expressions, waiting for his reply. And the man doesn’t seem to really think about it before saying, his voice being huskier than usual « I’m pretty sure that the Gods cannot care less. Now do something with your hand, don’t just let it there without doing nothing. » He grunts when Eivor executes himself and starts jerking him slowly, watching pleasure on Sigurd’s face. 

He doesn’t have the impression to do something good, it’s very much off and odd for him to touch like that another man and really, he doesn’t feel competent but his jarl seems to disagree, well for now. « It will not break, just do it. Do like you will do for yourself. » He growls lowly at the Viking who’s blushing at the reflexion and try to caress the member in the same way he does with his but, it’s still not that. « I’m sorry, never done it with a man before you. » he says, timidity overcoming him and it’s strange because he never been shy in bed but with Sigurd everything is different. He wants so much to be good to him, to make him feel good that he doesn’t know anymore how to do it correctly. And well, it’s still his first time with a man. « I never done it with a man before too, don’t worry little brother. » He answers with a dirty smirk while watching Eivor’s hand on his dick, stroking it with attention. He puts his own hand on the one on his dick to help him to do a better job, grunting quietly when it strokes good. The revelation makes Eivor feeling more at ease and decides to move too, to take some initative, if only for himself so he starts moving his hips against Sigurd’s thights and ass and he whimpers at that sensation but it doesn’t last long, Sigurd just gets out of him and takes his jaw with strengh before saying with a very serious voice « There is no way I’m the bottom. »

« What ? » Eivor asks because he’s really lost. It’s was just the beginning of their fun and it’s already ending for... No reason ? « I said : I will not be the bottom. » 

« It’s still doesn’t mean anything for me. » At that Sigurd watches him with incomprehension before letting go his jaw, cocking his head on the side as if it will help him to understand what’s happening. « You don’t know how two men do it ? I mean have sex. » This time Eivor begins to have a clue and is a bit ashamed to see that he’s the only one who has no idea how two man can make love, well he has an idea but no one never been clear when they were talking about it. He never seen it before, he heard about the fact that two men or two women can love each other but he never heard anything about sex. He thought that masturbation was the whole thing of the sexual possibilities in these kind of cases with some simulation of sex between man and woman but that all. At his reaction Sigurd has his answer but doesn’t mock him, he seems to reflect about it before saying « When two men do it, there is the one who takes it and the one who gives it. I want to be the one who gives. I will not take any cock, not even yours. Oh and it goes there. » and when he ends his sentence he puts his hand to Eivor’s ass which makes him jump a bit and then his heart skipps a beat when he guesses by where the dick goes in. He sees Sigurd’s smile at his reaction and he says, sitting on the bed « It’s a strange place to have sex. » he’s not sure at all about what his jarl is talking about but he seems to know better than him in what they are getting involved. « I heard it feels pretty good. » and he winks at him in a malicious way and the Viking can only rolls his eyes at that but he’s still amused. « Now get up, we have to make you undress. » Sigurds murmures near his ear and Eivor is already on his feets, the fear that novolty creates in him is not enough to calm his desire and curiosity. He doesn’t care to test a new way to have sex, even if Sigurd seems to abolsutly want to be the top, and not the bottom. Eivor can figure that he doesn’t want to have the femal role but him, he doesn’t care. It will change nothing for him, and surely not if he does it with Sigurd. He will not feel more effeminate or less a man if he takes it. He never understand that kind of thinking but he will not start an argument between them. Even more when Sigurd feels surely enough weak and submissive like that.

He starts by stripping off his tops, his chest’s skin being open to the cold but aslo to the warm of the fire and to the hot glance of his jarl who’s still jerking himslef while watching him doing. Once he’s out of all his clothes he says, his voice misty and smoky « You will not stay fully clothed, right ? » 

« Of course not. » And he pushes hardly Eivor against the wall, hurting him a bit but it doesn’t displease him, he always loves when sex is a bit violent. He kisses his jarl, pushing his tongue inside his mouth, his hands going again on the waist to keep him closer to him, Sigurd squeezing his fingers on the back of Eivor’s neck, bending himself to be able to kiss him back without forcing the Viking to get on his tip toes to be able to reach him. Sigurd is way more taller than him, and even if he is less imposing in muscle mass and with an arm missing he is still strong, enough strong to be able to force Eivor to not move if he wanted or to make it difficult for Eivor if he wanted to take the upper hand. He starts stripping his jarl while kissing him, worshiping his body at the same time, caressing his skin when he has the occasion, too ready to have sex with him, to experiment that thing with him and he’s already ready to do it again. He doesn’t even hear the party that is happening not so far from them. He’s not even worried that someone would come here and surprise them in this kind of situation that neither of them could explain with a lie. He’s just too focus on what he’s feeling right now, and on what Sigurd will do with him. « How we do it ? » he asks in a breath, kissing Sigurd’s jaw at the same time, his hands still discovering his body, feeling against his flesh his shivers and their dicks rubbing against each other don’t help to keep his mind fonctionnal. « I’ll prepare you and then put my cock inside you. And the end you know it, I’ll fuck you. It will be good, you will see it. » he sighs it against his neck, nibbling it and leaving marks, bumping his hips against Eivor’s, making them both moan and he already wants to have his cock inside him, but before that Sigurd separates hismelf from him and his eyes are filled with hunger.

« Go on the bed, I’ll look for something. » and without asking anything more he does as he’s asked, sitting on the bed and watches Sigurd searching in his stuff until he found what he wanted. It was some oil that he uses after shaving to hydrated the skin and well, he knows for what it would be used. « Lay down and spread your legs. » he orders before sitting between Eivor’s tights who is feeling a little shy, the position being very  _ open _ . « Don’t be shy. I want you, you’ll be finally mine. » he smirks darkly and chuckles at what he said, opening with his only hand the little jar before putting his fingers in it, watching the texture on it before looking at Eivor who is gulping loudly, worried about the pain that could be caused. He looks at the missing arm and at the scar on the stump, and when Sigurd notices it, he mades a backward movement, trying to hide a bit what he doesn’t have anymore. It hurts a bit Eivor to see him having shame about that but he doesn’t have time to say anything that his jarl puts his finger coaxed with the cream inside his ass, making him jumps a bit at that new sensation. « You will no longer think about it when you will have my dick inside you. » He grunts, angry and Eivor is still adjusting himself at this intrusion, looking at Sigurd’s eyes which are burning with fire, eager to show him that he’s not weak, that he shouldn’t feel any pity for him. « Sigurd -» He wants to say something to sooth his friend but at that very moment, his jarl touch something in him with his finger that feels good. He can’t stop a moan to escape his mouth and closed his eyes at that pleasure before opening them in a one shot, his cheeks red and he notices the surprised expression on Sigurd’s face which becomes a pleasurable’s one, he’s satisfied about what he just creates in Eivor. About this new lust that he could never forget. « You wanted to say ? » he asks meanly, knowing that his right handed man is too focused on this new pleasure to answer or remember already what he wanted to say to him. So he just glances at him, growling between his teeth before sighing a moan « You... Shut up. »

Sigurd laughs « You shouldn’t talk to me like that, I’m your jarl. »

« Keep on going. Sigurd, it feels strange. » he says, ignoring purposely what his jarl just said to annoy him, which is a success because he frowns and pouts a bit « It’s not strange, it’s feels just good. ». He moves his finger more inside him, touching and caressing his prostate, watching his every expressions with a big amount of interest, forgeting soon about Eivor’s desobedience. Even more when a loud groan makes his way out of the Viking’s mouth, closing his eyes in the process, panting a lot and wondering how is that possible that his ass can make him feel so good. The finger inside him doesn’t move for a while and when Eivor opens his eyes he crosses the look of Sigurd who is watching him with intensity, something like admiration and desire shining inside his iris, his face showing something like facination and without any words or warnings he puts another fingers, and Eivor sighs from pleasure, trying to keep his eyes open to keep eye contact with his brother. Sigurd starts moving his fingers slowly in a different way, as if he is trying to open more Eivor’s entrance, to make the hole bigger and it feels strange but good too. His breathing is becoming hard and inconstant, his mouth a bit open to express some tiny sounds and to breathe, his chest squeezing everytime that the thrust is particulary good. And Sigurd’s glance helps a lot to make him more hot and ready, his entire body being particulary sensible at any kind of touch, even his own hands on him, doing nothing but brush some times accidentaly his skin is enough to make him feel lust. « I’m ready. » he murmurs, his hand strocking sweatly Sigurd’s arm who is still very concentrated about what he’s doing but he nods his head, getting out his fingers and wipes them on the fur behind them, never cuting the eyes contact between them, even when he puts some oil on his penis and align it with Eivor’s asshole. « I’ll make you mine. » he smiles for himself at that, Eivor only saying « I always be yours. But... Are you mine ? » 

He’s unsure about what the response will be and knowing Sigurd, he will never aknolowedge that he’s belonging to anyone else than himself. He will maybe never say the words  _ I love you _ to him. So yes, he’s scared at the idea that he will even maby have no respons. To be rejected. And at first, his jarl doesn’t say anything, he just penetrates him in a one shot, making the Viking grunting from pain, his hands squeezing the bed sheets and the fur, his knuckles becoming white at that. It’s when Sigurd is deep buried in him and that he lets his head falls backward, his eyes shut, sighing a pleasurable rumble then he replies, his voice sweat and lost in the mist of sex and desire « Yes. If you’re mine, completly mine, body and soul, bones and blood, all your flesh and thoughts are mine than I’ll be equaly yours. It feels... Perfect. To be inside you. So great. » And he looks at Eivor who feels a savage and powerful joy and a dark lust inside his belly, which rips everything in him, making him needy and crazy at the idea to possess his jarl, to have him like no one else could, to have the right to love him like the mad and fool man he is. To love him so much that he will doom hismelf for sure. Gods, he could now do whatever he wants, he’s free. And so he smiles and puts his hands on Sigurd’s hips to incite him to move and made love with him, which he does without waiting for more. He bumps brutally and it makes them both groan in pleasure, Sigurd hitting with strenght this beautiful place inside Eivor, strocking the spot in a way that drives him crazy. « Oh Gods. » He swears, watching the ceiling with amazed eyes while his jarl keeps on going his movements, trying to go as deep as possible each time. 

The noises they made, the air becoming thin and heavy, full with lust and sex, the fire being less burning than their two souls who are united for good, being finally one, everything make things begin to blur, being fuzzy and vague, Eivor’s all senses are lost, foggy like he never been before and it feels so good. Each strokes is better than the previous one, Sigurd making sure to touch the right spot, looking at every expressions on his right handed man’s face to be sure that it’s fine, that it’s good. Great like he said before. Perfect even. 

Eivor is confused, he doesn’t know where he is laying, he even thought that maybe he was in trance like he would after drinking the elexir to make him see the Gods and his future. But it’s real. He couldn’t feel all of this if it was just a dream, just a vision. It never been that real. And Sigurd never been that powerful, never been so near to be a God in Eivor’s eyes than now. He passes his hand around his jarl’s neck to force him to be nearer to him, to be able to kiss him which he does, kissing fiercly, passionnately him, pushing his tongue inside this splendid mouth and he responds to him, he kisses him back with as much strenght and needs than Eivor, pushing his dick more inside him in order to make him feel even better. The Viking’s other hand goes to the stomach, caressing the skin and the muscles, the scares being more rough under his fingers than the sweat and pure flesh. He can feel and guess everything that Fulke done to break his jarl but it doesn’t show weakness, it shows Sigurd’s strenght because he fights against it, he mades everything to be strong, to face every tortures, every horror that he might have seen and lived. It shows to Eivor how much he’s powerful and indestructible for him. And the missing arm doesn’t disturb him like before. No. Now he can say that he likes it. Loves it. Needs to touch it, to adore it. 

A great move of Sigurd’s hips makes him close his eyeslides to lose consciousnes and let himself be lost inside his pleasure and desire. Valhalla is like that, right ? It’s that powerful, that incredible. He wants it. He wants more. Needs more. « It’s so good. » he whispers against Sigurd’s lips before kissing them again, worshiping them when his jarl pulls apart just a little bit to say « I never felt like that before. You are mine, so mine now. I understand why you are Alfadir and me Tyr. You are special. You have this thing that makes you... Magic. And I could never beat you, I’m the forgotten one and you are the new, the great one. Eivor, I’ll make you open your eyes, you will see just like me the truth. » He kisses him once he ended his sentence, and lets his lips brush Eivor’s jaw, then his neck, feeling teeth gently nubbing at his scar and it doesn’t make him feel uneasy, it feels rather good. He’s even more confused now with what his jarl just said but something in him just screams at him to accept it, to let it be. To embrace whatever Sigurd will tell him, will do to him. « Stay with me. » he says, taking Sigurd’s face in his hands to force him to look at him before continuing his phrase « Don’t lose yourself, stay with me and you will never be lost ever again. I will make sure of that. I will stay with you so stay with me. »

Before getting any answer he feels Sigurd bumps in him violently, sending a shiver all over Eivor’s spine, and kisses Eivor’s palm too with a little smirk, a one that mades the Viking do his best to not kiss it and ravage it « Then lose yourself with me. I promise you, you will understand everything, the whole world will make sense, belive me Eivor. Follow me and I follow you. But I’ll make you see the truth, you can be sure of this. Belive in me is all I ask. » And Eivor wants, he wants so much to follow him with his eyes blind like before, and he knows that if they continue to have this kind of meeting he will be lost with his jarl. He will see the truth that he talks about. If each time they are alone together and that everything became blur and confused but also so good, so real and celestial than yes, he knows that he will end by following blindly his jarl, he will lost himself with him and surely he will not regret it. But for now, he wants to make Sigurd comes back to reality. « Alright. Alright. » He says while caressing Sigurd’s cheek wich makes him closed his eyes and sigh in pleasure, relaxed for real finally. But he never stops his hips movements, going in and out of Eivor, increasing the speed with each bumps, and that makes him nearly scream in pleasure and enjoyement, chocking after, trying to keep his mind focus on anything else because he doesn’t want to faint, or just be able to feel the lust and to not think at all. 

« Yes, that is, moan for me, beg for your release. Let me have all, let me control everything for once. Just today, just now. Eivor. Come for me. » And it said with a voice so strange, so bewitching that the Viking just lets himself go, stopping on trying and let it be. « Make me come. Sigurd, I’m so near, you are so near too. I love every parts of you. Love everything. » He said as he takes the stump in his hand to kiss it with adoration, knowing deep down that Sigurd is right, he doesn’t know all the truth, all the story, but, in the end, Odin will tell him. He will see it. And maybe that day, he could make his jarl love his body and scars as much as he does. At least, he lets him kiss it and caress it thoughtfully, doesn’t wanting to hurt him or scare him. He wants his brother to trust him like he does before, even more than before. He brushes his lips against the stump and he can feel Sigurd’s thrill of pleasure, feeling his dick trembling near to come so hard inside him. 

Then, he feels against his ear two lips which murmures sweatly, breathtaking Eivor « I think I love you. I love you so much. So much. » the end is said more meanly, his eyes bruning fiercly while he strokes harder inside Eivor, kissing and ravishing his mouth and the Viking answers it, crossing his legs around Sigurd’s waist to keep him here as much as he can and he kisses even more hardly, with even more fire than his jarl. He comes so hard that he brokes the kiss to moan loudly, his hands gripping Sigurd’s hair and the flesh of his back, leaving scraps because of his nails. The jarl has come strongly too, by waves, feeling everything with much more intencity, even the air around them, even his own thoughts and movements seems to be more real. His face is buried against Eivor’s cheek and beard, breathing his scent, trying to keep this odor always with him, to grave it in his mind to never forget. That way, a part of Eivor will be always physically with him. Forever and ever. 

They stay like that a moment, trying to overcome their orgasm, their extasy, their eyes closed and their respiration hazardous, their mind being still lost inside the mist of their love and new reality. 

« We should go to the festivities if we don’t want to be suspect. » Eivor is the one who takes the word first, his fingers fondling softly Sigurd’s back before he removes himself to sit on the bed, his arm on his thigh, doesn’t moving an inch. « Suspect of what ? I don’t think that anyone suspect us to have this kind of relationship but yes, we should go back. This festivities are also for both of us. It will be more polite to go back and to enjoy it not like before. » He smiles at that and gets up, starting to get on his clothes while Eivor is only looking at him, watching his jarl with aodration and love. Once he’s done with his clothes, the Viking makes a move to get up too but is stopped by Sigurd : « Don’t move for now. I have something to do before you are getting dressed. » He is curious to know what and why but doesn’t, staying on the bed isn’t a bad thing and his ass and hips are a bit hurtful with all they have endured this night. But Sigurd doesn’t get out of the room, no, he’s just searching for a tissue and when he founds one that pleases him, he goes back to Eivor, sits on the bed and starts weaping the sweat on his body, particulary between his thigh and then his ass, his right handed man doesn’t moving. The truth is, he’s enjoying the attention and the touch is pleasurable. He could even want to have another round but they have to go to the party. « Thanks. » he says once Sigurd is done and he only answers with a nod and a smile before giving him a few clothes that he took on the floor. 

He waits for Eivor to be fully dressed before going out of the room and join his men who are still drinking, singing and fighting. The jarl goes to his sit and Eivor is at his right side, taking two cups of mead, one for him and the other for Sigurd and visibly everyone is aware that they are finally friends again and so, it’s seems to give to their men even more desire to enjoy the party and drink more and more. Well, if it wasn’t for Randvi who seems rather angry. Whatever it was, Sigurd doesn’t seem to be interested by what happened to put her in this kind of state. And, when Eivor takes her in a quiet spot to talk to her, he doesn’t even have the time to say anything that she whispers furiously : « I always knew it. That something was strange with the two of you. Deep down, I always knew that I will lose against Sigurd. But I never thought that he will reciprocated this kind of feelings. »

« Randvi, keep calm, please. » he says in hope to lull her a bit.

« I know what I saw. It will not end good for you. Both of you. Do you really want to be doomned ? To be hated by the Gods ? It’s not too late for you. »

« Nothing will happen, no one will know. Randvi, please, keep your calm. Everything is under control. »

« No, you don’t understand. I don’t care that you love another man, and whatever you do with that other man, even if it’s my husband. No. Listen to me Eivor. You need to stop or it will be too late. Or you will be as lost than Sigurd. You should have seen yourself. It wasn’t you. It wasn’t him. I don’t know what’s happening, but you should stay away from this. » The fury is now repleced by worry and Eivor can only answer one thing, the fear couldn’t beat what he trully feels and maybe what he trully wants : « But I love him. »

_ And he loves me. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end is well... cruel, I know, I'm sorry XD But there will be a second part but I don't know when I will write it.  
> Hope you enjoyed the reading!
> 
> And sorry for any grammar mistakes, I'm not English.


	2. Hellheim

Eivor is on his knees, feeling the tight and thin air, too thin, his mind foggy and unfocused, his eyes staring with something like obsession at Sigurd’s face, the expression on the man’s face strange, unreadable, incomprehensible. But it’s bad, so bad. It’s so cold, eyes filled with ice and sorrow, controlled furiousness, black and dark desire, unpassable joy. All of this being a weird mix and nothing can be interpreted, nothing can be understood. It is their loss. It is  _his _ loss. It is the only thing that he can be sure about. He wants to close his eyes, wants to make it all disappear but he can’t, he can’t move an inch, as if he was possessed. As if he was too crazy, too out of his mind to be able to do anything, even breathing is hard, complicated, forbidden. And Sigurd is still here, watching him, growing again and again, becoming too enormous for human eyes. There is no light, no darkness, just Sigurd and the void. A world only filled with void if his brother disappears. 

Eivor wants to apologize but he doesn’t know why and for what. What did he do to feel that much guilty? What did he miss? What did he fail? 

He knows better. He perfectly knows why he is guilty, why he is here, inside the Helheim, lost, without anyone to help him or to just be by his side. He knows why he fell here by heart, inside this void, cold flames and deafening silence but, what he doesn’t know, it’s how he could have forgotten it, even for just a few seconds. Eivor wants to say that he’s sorry, he wants to cry and beg for forgiveness but nothing comes out of his mouth. Not even a sob. He can only look at Sigurd’s eyes, that are becoming more and more distant and empty, the mist covering his face, leaving Eivor with nothing else but his guilt, sorrow and self-hatred. 

* * *

He sees Randvi at her desk, looking at the map and alliances, scrutting it with contentiousness, her eyebrows frowned in a way that shows her concentration. For one second, he wonders if he should talk to her, if he should even present himself at her. After all, she knows about him and Sigurd and she doesn’t seem to agree with this forbidden relationship. He understands her concern, he understands that she’s worried about them and what’s happening. Eivor is afraid too. He’s scared, lost, like a little child trying to find his way home. But he’s at home, he’s safe and sound here. And his brother, the one he loves the most is by his side, he seems to get better, to overcome what he has lived, what he has gotten through. But he’s still in another world sometimes, one which Eivor cannot reach if he doesn’t let his mind go into the mist and the fog. If he doesn’t let himself go in the place that Randvi fears more than anything, begging him to resist to its call, to its caresses and sweet whispers, this soft and bewitching magic that can wipe off every sad and horrible memories, to leave only the beautiful ones. 

Eivor knows that something is off, as much as Randvi, and even Sigurd seems to see that it’s strange, not as perfect as it should be. Even him, even when he’s lost, he seems to know what fate is theirs. The one that Eivor wants to embrace and fight against. He refuses to accept that their love is doomed. That the Gods cannot accept it and force their tangled destiny to end in a dramatic and irremediable way. He can’t accept that. Sigurd too. They will be together, whatever the price is. Eivor will not fail his brother once again. Never. He will stay by his sides until the end, until the day he dies. It is his vocation and he will keep it, he will show to the world that you can fight against the Nornir’s threat and win. Maybe he’s too hopeful, but he wants it to be that way, after all, Sigurd loves him back and that is the proof that anything can be done. He can win. 

He makes a move to go to Randvi who hears him, getting her head up to watch him, a little smile on her lips, reassuring Eivor that she’s not mad at him, she still wants to stay friends with him. He likes her, he needs her. She’s a good and dear friend that he will lose for nothing in this world. He needs her advices, he needs her gentle way to say that he did a good job, that things in the settlement are fine, that he doesn’t need to take everything for himself and that he can talk to her. Even about Sigurd. And all these promises seem to still hold and he’s thankful for that. « What can I do for you Eivor? » she asks, putting a confident face like she does every time she knows that the topic will be complicated. The Viking scraps his throat before speaking, avoiding only a second her gaze « I want to talk about what you said the other night. I want to see and clearly understand what  _you _ saw. » His voice is serious and a little bit hard, his posture also showing it. She nods and gets back a little from the desk, getting her hands quickly away from it too, as if the wood was burning her hands, her smile still there. « Well, I don’t know what I could say more. Did... Does Sigurd know what I told you? » She asks while coming nearer from Eivor. He shakes negatively his head « No, why? » 

« Nothing! Nothing. I just think that he wouldn’t appreciate me giving my opinion about it at all. And I don’t want to have an argument with him. Or create an argument between the two of you. » Eivor takes a big breath, thinking about it for a few seconds before answering, crossing his arms « He will not be aware about our conversation. It’s private. And don’t worry about us, just explain what you tried to tell me the other day. » he quickly puts the discussion back on the main subject, not wanting it to deviate. She’s the one uneasy now but she still tries to give a good explanation, choosing her words with carefulness, her eyes being everywhere but on his. « What I saw... It was, like... Like you two were... different. Not yourself. Not completely yourself. I think. But, maybe it’s more that the ambiance was strange between you two. And what I heard you speak about. How you were watching at each other. It doesn’t seem... Good. Or even safe. But it is not like you were hurting each other but... I don’t know. I’m sorry, Eivor, it’s just I have seen a relationship like that once but I never saw you or Sigurd love in this way before. » 

She’s looking at him with pleading eyes, quietly asking for him to leave her alone or to stop questioning her about that. But, Eivor cannot, he needs to know more, to have clearer explanations, he needs to understand what she saw and so, he could help. He could help Sigurd; he could make everything become normal. Just like before. Well, different than before. They are not friends anymore. Even less brothers. Eivor shakes his head slowly, trying to see what she has in mind, what she was trying to tell him but it isn’t clear. The mist is back and he cannot wave it simply with his hand to make it go away, he needs to search more, to ask her to explain again, to make it comprehensible for him because right now, she’s the only one who seems to understand. « Randvi, I’m sorry, I don’t see where it’s going. Be more specific, I need to know. Tell me what you truly think, even if you think that it will hurt me or make me mad. You surely know better than me how much it’s important for me to know. » He looks at her in the eyes, his hands moving while talking, going to her in an attempt to convince her to not let him down. To try again. To dare to tell the bottom of her thoughts. He watches her sighing, her eyebrows being in a worried and tired frown, she’s not looking well and moves around the table before leaning a bit on it, answering with a tight voice: « Sigurd and you are not good for each other, is what I think. » 

She takes a pause, breathing loudly and then she continues her speech « It was like you were both drowning in each other’s spirit, void of anything of this world, already leaving for the next. You were ready to let yourself being consumed by his madness. Don’t look at me like that, Eivor! You know it. He is not the one we used to love. He’s not the man I married anymore. Nor the brother that saved you and took care of you. He’s only the shadow of himself. I don’t know what happened when he was in prison, apart that he lost an arm. But it changed him. In an irremediable way. He’s lost. Just like one of my brothers was. Sigurd reminds me of him because he acts like him, he is strange like him, he is angry like him. He is violent like him. And he pushes everyone away just like my brother did. And you know what? My brother is dead. And he destroyed every person who was trying to help him with him. His fiancé was broken, not because of his death but because he took every little bit of happiness away from her. He took a part of me too. He was so lost, so destroyed himself, that he couldn’t bring anything else with him but sorrow and storms. Just like Sigurd, he became like that, once he was a happy child and then a strong and wealthy man until one dark day where everything changed, coming home with his soul stolen. I don’t know if it is the trick of a God or if it is some illness but it kills. And it doesn’t seem to be curable. So, I repeat, this relationship will only cause you to end like him, to lose yourself and never be found again. Just like my brother’s fiancé. » 

* * *

Eivor is sitting on his bed, watching the ceiling, wondering what he should do. If only there was still something to do. There is some kind of sorrow in him, something luring to get out and ravage everything inside his room, sadness and anger nearly ripping his heart into millions of pieces, his hands are trembling and he tirelessly shakes his leg. He cannot accept what Randvi told him. He cannot. They aren’t going to their end, it’s impossible. 

Now he’s afraid, afraid of all these dreams he made recently, dreams for which he never went to the volva to have an interpretation and now, now he’s  _curious _. A bad, filthy curiosity, one which will lead him to his end too, he knows it. But he wants to know, as much as he is afraid to. He doesn’t know if it will confirm the impression that Randvi has about them or if, on the contrary, it will appease his mind and convince him even more that he’s destined to Sigurd and Sigurd to him, that their love is not doomed. He wants to have hope but maybe there is no place left for it. He wants to believe in faith so much, in the fact that the Gods love him like everyone seems to want to remind him, and if it is really the case, then they wouldn’t plot against him . But maybe that the gods set the blame on Sigurd, and that Eivor is only a collateral damage.

The worst in this story is that he knows that Randvi doesn’t lie, he knows deep down that some truths are laying there, waiting for the right moment to show themselves and prove him that he was foolish to think that the Gods will forgive and forget this kind of disgusting love. He also saw that Sigurd isn’t the same man, he experienced it just too well to ignore it, and he felt it when he was having sex with him. He felt that he was falling apart. That every time they are together, the world doesn’t mean anything anymore, it is just the two of them and at that right moment, it’s enough for Eivor. He can die with joy, peace surrounding his heart and soul. Even the idea to end in the Helheim cannot make him regret anything or feel less happy and fulfilled. He loves Sigurd more than anything else but maybe, maybe he should follow Randvi’s advice before it’s too late, but he perfectly knows that he doesn’t want it and won’t be able to resist to the very sight of his dear brother. And deeply, he doesn’t even want to try it. 

So, what can he do? Visibly nothing but there must be something to do, or to understand, something that will absolutely change everything. 

And he doesn’t have any more time to think about it that Sigurd shows himself, not even bothering to knock at the door to let Eivor hear him coming. The Viking is a little bit surprised his jarl’s presence but it’s usual that Sigurd just comes out of nowhere when Eivor is doubting or wondering about their relationship. As if he had an instinct that helps him to know when he has to come and listen to his little brother or to give him some advices or solace. And Sigurd always knows when something goes wrong with Eivor, he just has to look into his green eyes to have a clue about what’s going on. And this time too, even if Eivor tries to hide his sorrow, his jarl is faster: « What’s happening? What thoughts of yours are haunting you? » he asks with his soft tone, the one he uses when he has to console him. That makes the Viking smile, a genuine one, but his heart isn’t ready to show itself to Sigurd. He is sure that it will only cause an argument between them. « Nothing, I’m just worrying about the settlement. » he lies and he is not a good liar, not when it involves his feelings and his brother, and it’s just harder to come up with a good lie when the person who you have to lie to, knows you as much as yourself. And worst of all, when this very person perfectly knows when you are lying. 

And right now, Sigurd knows that he’s lying. « Really? Because I don’t see any reason to worry about our clan, everything is smooth and fine. Everyone is safe and sound here, we have allies, thanks to you, we have to drink and to eat, our warriors are in very good shape. Well, I would appreciate if you explained why you worry yourself that much for our settlement when  _I _ don’t see any problem. Hm? Don’t play that game with me, I know you by heart. » And this time too it makes him smile and laugh a little, Sigurd having used a funny tone, not trying to be too serious for now, even when Eivor is lying right to his face. And his jarl generally doesn’t like being lied to at all. But he always made an exception for Eivor. Well, he never appreciated that, even coming from him, but he has more patience when it comes to him. And that’s a good point for him and it will help him a lot to not have to tell the whole truth right now. « Yes, effectively, everything is fine. But you know me, nothing is never as good as I want it to be. I am just wondering if I shouldn’t go find new allies. » 

That isn’t a lie. And Sigurd sees it. But, visibly, this time, he also sees what else this wonder does imply, and it doesn’t please him. He frowns, clearly not pleased before saying, coldness back in his voice, the same he used when they were fighting « You want to leave. Again. Which clan don’t we already have as allies? » he is septic about Eivor’s intentions and he doesn’t know what he should answer at that because, yes, they have a lot of allies, enough to be sure that they will have help if needed. But Eivor thinks that he needs to travel, that he should put some distances between him and Sigurd. He will have time and space to think about all of this mess and maybe find a solution to resolve everything. « What did I do this time. What have I said or expressed or... Made you feel to give you the desire to leave? Again. » Eivor is taken aback by what Sigurd just told him, he wasn’t ready for this kind of conversation, nor that his jarl would think that he is responsible for his every leaving. But he isn’t, of course he isn’t. « You did nothing. Why would you think that? » he asks, watching his brother with confusion and bends over him but Sigurd pulls back, his eyes cold like ice. « I am sure that it is about me. You’re lying right to my face and you just act as though I am strange. Just like before we made it. So, I’m asking again: what did I do this time? » 

« And I will say the same: nothing. » At that, his jarl snarls, shaking his head with dissatisfaction « It’s always nothing with you, but there  _is _ something. Otherwise, you wouldn’t run away. » he makes his arm move as he speaks aggressively waving in the air, patience not being a possibility anymore. Eivor stands up, trying to put his hands on Sigurd’s shoulders to calm him a bit but he pushes them away. « What is wrong with me? Or with you. What’s the matter? » At that, Eivor can only look at him without words, he cannot say the truth. Or more likely, he doesn’t know how to express it. And Sigurd doesn’t appreciate his silence and turns his back to the Viking before leaving the room, slamming the door. Eivor sighs and passes a hand on his face before rubbing his eyes with the palm of his hands, wanting to keep his thoughts in order. Now he doesn’t know if it’s a good idea to leave. Sigurd is clearly not ready, for now he cannot let his brother alone without him by his side. But what Randvi told him still haunt his mind, and he also knows that he will have to make a decision. And sooner rather than later. 

* * *

Eivor did saw the volva to ask some questions to her, he spoke about his dreams but kept the truth about his relationship with Sigurd for himself, not needing anyone else than Randvi to know about it. But she knows him, she can see through him, she has the Gods whispering into her ear so it is pretty obvious that she understands that there is something more than just brotherly love between the two brothers. 

Now he is meditating near a little lake not so far from their colony but enough to be sure that no one will come see him here. He can think about what the volva told him, some mysterious and dark predictions, the one that the mist seems to overlay, but the truth is that he needs to be inside the thick mist to understand what her strange and faraway voice told him. So, he listens to the sound of the water, of the wind softly blowing in his hair, he thinks about what he feels right now and for Sigurd, for this whole situation. He lets the wisdom of Odin take over him, leading him to his true path, to the resolution and understanding of the everything. He tries to make it clear to the eyes of his poor mind what love is. In what purpose do the Gods let them love each other this deep, with that much power. Nothing makes sense. They would never allow them to love each other so why can they do it? Why is it so strong? He cannot fight against it. 

This intense and burning desire that he feels towards Sigurd cannot be controlled or stopped. And Sigurd gets even more lost in his own thoughts and memories, his mind searching for a way out but not finding it, he’s still blocked in the closed mansion that his head is. And maybe there is only Fulke who has the key. So how can Eivor enter? How can he do it without breaking into it and risking to destroy what is left of his dear and precious brother even more? And no birds, no wind, no soft sound of fox or the sweet melody of water can give him answers. Even what the volva told him; it just doesn’t make any sense. There is just one sentence that rings a bell but it leads nowhere. 

_« Some things should not be understood. Sometimes, we have to accept that there is nothing to do or to understand. That we just have to let it be » _

And maybe it is just a matter of fact. Maybe all he has to do is to accept. But accept what? Because he accepts the fact that he loves Sigurd, he doesn’t feel ashamed about it. But he feels scared about the idea that they are doomed because of it. And more than anything, he’s scared that Sigurd will leave him, metaphorically or literally. By physical death or a spiritual one. It would kill him. If anything happened to Sigurd again, he would die. At least he feels like he would. He thinks that he couldn’t take it, couldn’t bear to live without him, couldn’t lead their clan successfully without having his knees letting go, incapable to help him standing. No, he would break down. The missing arm and the torture that his jarl had to endure for weeks, were still a first strike for Eivor. His heart broke, and his mind was ready to burst and to let madness overcome him but the thought of liberating Sigurd is what has kept him in the right way. But now, it seems that Sigurd doesn’t know how to walk anymore, doesn’t know how to live, how to drink, how to love and express it most of the time. But, more than anything else, he doesn’t know how to be happy anymore. 

And Eivor wants to help him so much. So much that he could do anything for that, including not running away to not have to face the problem. Meditating will not help; it will not clear his mind. It is not what he should do, no. He has to lose himself in the mist to go and recue his brother. That is the only way. 

So, he goes to Sigurd’s room, goes to tell him about what pushed him to want to leave and so, to try to help him again, to understand what is inside his thoughts. But when he knocks at the heavy door, there is no response and when he opens it, there is no one inside. Before it wouldn’t have worried him but these times the jarl practically doesn’t leave his bedroom and if he does, it’s to go wandering around the Hall. But he didn’t see him back there. So, he storms out of the room, a bad feeling surrounding his chest. He goes right away to see Randvi, asking with a strong voice which makes her jump in surprise: « Do you know where Sigurd is? »; « No, I have no idea. I didn’t see him the whole day. Why? » At that Eivor answers while he’s already leaving to find him elsewhere « I can’t find him. » He walks faster, going out, hoping to find his jarl quickly, scared that something happened to him. That he could have done some stupid things, one stupid thing in particular. He doesn’t want Sigurd to end like Randvi’s brother. He’s so focused on Sigurd that he doesn’t even care to hear Randvi’s footsteps echoing behind his, following him to help, no, he only thinks about where he could find his brother. 

« Why are you so worried? Maybe he’s just taking a walk. » She suddenly grabs his arm to force him to look at her: « You should stop that Eivor. You can’t do more for him, if he wants to be alone, or to leave, or whatever else... It is his choice. You should not take part in that. Don’t get yourself involved, you will lose everything in the end, trust me. » Her eyes show the truth of her words but he cannot let Sigurd go. « Let him chose to leave or not,it is not just up to him Randvi ! I have a word on it, I cannot accept it. Just like he couldn’t too. So now, are you going to help me to find him or do you just want to convince me to give up on him? » She stays quiet, nipping at her own lip before letting go of his arm and walking by his side. 

They ask to the people of Ravensthorpe, and the few who saw him all said the same: the jarl was heading to the forest even if they warned him about the sky being dark and the coming storm but he didn’t listen to them. He maybe didn’t even see them. Sometimes, Sigurd is like he is being in another world where no human can reach him, can be heard or saw by him, where no one could be felt by him. Just as if they were ghosts, or maybe it is like Sigurd is the ghost. 

The fact that Eivor knows where his jarl is doesn’t soothe him at all, he is even more worried, knowing that his brother is no longer in state to be able to survive alone in the dark and thick forest. Sigurd needs him, more than ever, even if he doesn’t want to admit it. 

He quickly walks to the forest, hoping to find Sigurd there sooner rather than later, it’s already dark and he fears the coming storm. He is looking everywhere, hears Randvi and other warriors screaming their jarl’s name and he does the same, wandering, searching, his heart beating in his chest. His vision begins to blur when the minutes pass, then one hour without finding him. He is so afraid that he practically runs now, with only one melody in his head « I have to find him. I will find him. I have to. » He doesn’t even hear Randvi and the others, he doesn’t see them, either he went too far from them to be able to hear and see them, or he is so focused on Sigurd that he doesn’t even care about their presence anymore. 

He is about to think that maybe he will never see his brother again when a voice raises upon the silence of the deep and dark wood, the quiet birds feeing from that black sky: « What are you still doing here? Go away, get on your ship and go find new alliances. Go make your future bigger and transform it for sure into a legend. Why are you still wasting your time with me, dear little brother? » At that, adrenaline pumps in Eivor’s veins, his heart being filled with desperate hopes, even if Sigurd just told him harsh words. He found him, and it is what truly matter. « I’ll go nowhere. I belong here, with you. » He turns to face his jarl who sends him a hard glance, snorting before rolling his eyes, shooting into the dirt « Really. I didn’t seem to be the case. Well, for the last time we talked. » The Viking holds his breath for a few seconds before moving, sitting on the rotten tree next to his brother, looking at him with tender and worried eyes and then he answers with a soft voice « I was confused, I had a lot of things in mind but I never planned on leaving you, or hurting you. Sigurd, we should go home. Our home. Everyone is waiting for you. » 

At that Sigurd shakes his head, as if he doesn’t believe a single word coming out of Eivor’s mouth, ticking and then nipping his lip « Your home. Not mine. My real home is not here, not on this earth. And stop lying to me Eivor, I am tired of this little game of yours. There is no  _our home _. It is  _yours _. You stole it from me. » He is practically spiting it to his face, anger slowly coming, threatening to overcome Sigurd. And Eivor doesn’t understand what is going on, why Sigurd is still on that matter, as if Eivor was the center of the world of their settlement, as if he was trying to steal his throne. It’s making him angry too but he has to control himself because Sigurd is no way in state to do it. « What is the problem with you, Sigurd? Why are you treating me like an enemy? Why are you always mad at me? What did  _I _ do, what is wrong with  _you? _ What are talking about when you say that your home is not mine, not ours. When you say that it isn’t on this earth. What are you planning to do, what do you really plan for yourself? For the sake of all our Gods, just spill it. Say the truth! » The Viking has no patience left, he tried his best to be understanding, to be a good listener, to be ready to take every mean word, every accusation because he feels responsible for all this mess. But Sigurd isn’t fair with him, he doesn’t talk to him, doesn’t confide in him. No, he hides every dark secret, every thought that haunts him, that drives him mad. It’s as though he enjoys drowning. Enjoys his loneliness. 

« I speak the truth! Why can’t you believe it when I tell you that I’m a God? ! Why is it so hard to believe me, I’m not lying! All these pains, all these wounds served to one thing: to reveal my true self. To reveal that I do not belong here, and you, and everyone else just proved it, I have no place left here. » He suddenly gets up, his eyes wide with rage and something else that Eivor depicts as desperation. He stands up too, looking straight into Sigurd’s blue eyes, his body tense in a way that shows that he’s ready for a fight. « You are not yourself! There is no other home for you, our settlement is. And you are not a God, you are just my brother. Why can’t it be enough? Everything that this witch has done to you never made you into a God but into a stronger person. By acting like that you let her win and I can’t accept it. I can’t let you go mad with every deviance she put into your head. Please. Sigurd. Stop seeing her like you savior and me as your enemy. This is not the truth. Believe me. » And Sigurd scoffs « Believe you? When all you have done was lying to me? You want to be jarl, stop saying the contrary. You want to be more famous than me and you did it, but it is still not enough. You are greedy. You want me to believe in you whereas you can’t believe in me? There is no trust! No faith! You don’t want to see the truth about me because that would make you less great. I am a God, whatever you think. I’m still worth something. » 

And there is so much pain in his expression, so much despair. But Eivor is too mad to not be able to make his brother see that he’s taking the wrong path, that he goes over it, not taking note as he should about Sigurd’s feelings. « You are not a God! You are as human as me. Stop believing into her poisoned words, stop lying to yourself and get yourself together! I don’t want to steal you anything, I don’t want you no harm. You are the one who is too greedy, you want to be a God, really, just hear yourself! Stop acting like a crazy man and do something! Stop being weak. » 

He takes a punch. He wasn’t ready for it so he nearly falls, but he manages to keep his balance, looking at Sigurd, who’s making a face that breaks his heart, with surprise and shock. He is crying, like he never saw him do. He seems so destroyed, as if Eivor’s words have gone too far. As if Eivor was responsible for real about all this mess. « You know nothing. YOU KNOW NOTHING! » He screams at the Viking who doesn’t move, only stares at his brother with fear, fear to have messed everything up. Sigurd’s hand is shaking with rage and sorrow, looking Eivor with hate. « I have to be a God. She told me that! She did all these things to me because she believed in that fact! » And he can only weakly murmur, just like when he was younger, just a little child who messed up a bit too much and who made his brother angry: « I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. » He tries to walk towards Sigurd but he walks back. He looks so betrayed. So hurt. Gods, did really Eivor finally betray him? Did he really fail Sigurd again? Did he really steal everything away from him? Can he even call him jarl when everyone in their settlement looks at him when they need something? When their allies call for him instead of Sigurd? When Randvi gives him the throne and he dares to sit on it. When she falls in love with him. When he has still both his arms when Sigurd doesn’t. 

« I’m so sorry. Please, forgive me, please. Brother. » They look at themselves for a few seconds, Eivor begging him to forgive him, to have mercy on him. He is just so lost without him. « I love you. » He confesses, emotion overthrowing him, his throat tight and his voice broke when he spoke these three little words. « I am a God. I have to. Why can’t you understand? » Sigurd’s voice is broken too, tears coming down on his cheeks and Eivor puts his hand on it, wanting to kiss him so badly, to prove his love, his devotion to him. To feel that there is still something to do about their love. 

« I’m so sorry. I love you. You know that... I know that too. We have to believe in that. » he whispers, his voice breaking in the end, ready to burst in tears too when he looks at his brother. Sigurd’s face is even more twisted in a hurtful way, gripping Eivor’s shirt, as if he was about to hit him again or to menace him, but instead, he is the one who falls apart and cries again and again, speaking with difficulty, his breath being caught by his cries, not looking into the Viking’s eyes « It has to be the truth. Eivor... I lost an arm. She took my right fucking arm away from me! And so much more. She just... All of them... They want me to lose, want me to renounce to my rightful price, to my kingdom. They are looking for my downfall! I can’t accept it. If I am not a God, if everything was a lie, then why did I... Live that. Why did she inflict me all this pain? I cannot. I cannot accept it. I am not weak; I will not lose. Not again! I will become a God if I am not already one. »

And Eivor understands for real what is happening in his brother’s spirit and heart. What is in his locked mind. What Fulke really did to him, what deep wound she has caused him and what he can do to make it stop bleeding, to make it heal. « Sigurd, please look at me. You will make it. Look at me. You are strong, you can make it. You don’t need to hold on to that belief, to what she told you. For what reason she did all of these things to you. You can escape from it if you want. You just have to want it, to try it and I could do all the rest of the work. Sigurd, please, trust me on that. Just rely on me. » He caresses his brothers face sweetly, comforting him as much as he can, his heart beating like crazy in his chest. He’s scared, scared that maybe it is too late, maybe his jarl will end like Randvi’s brother, and him like the fiancé. 

« No, no, no. It has to be true. It has. It is true. I am a God. Do not wish for my downfall too, Eivor, don’t be like them. Be on my side, I need you. Just stay with me, I am a God, I can even lead you to their land, in the Valhalla. Eivor. I am a God! » And his laughs and tears continue to fall, his smile broken and so full of hope at the same time. And the Viking can only hug him tight, saying softly « I will be there. I will always be by your side so stay with me. Stay with me, go nowhere else. Don’t go to Valhalla, please. » He holds him even more tightly, the fear to see him dead making him want to force him to stay in the Hall, in their settlement, to keep Sigurd with him forever, to always have an eye on him, to always know where he is, even if it means to keep him locked. If he has to do that to keep him safe and sound and alive... Yes, he will do it. And this thought makes him feel like if he is similar to Fulke. She just has done the same. She was obsessed by him, she wanted to keep him for her, she put him in a cage and tortured him to be sure that he will stay here, and in her fucked-up mind, it was also the way to awake him into the one he truly is. The one she venerates. He feels a dirty chill along his spine at that comparison, disgusted by himself. 

Now, he also understands why Randvi told him that the fiancé was more broken by what her man was becoming than by his death. When you see the person that you love the most in this kind of state, you die along with them, you agonize with them. Seeing them like that, it breaks maybe more than if they die. Because then, in the last case, there is no hope to have, no false hope. You can’t see all you hard work to help them to heal go into flames. They are just dead. There is nothing to be done so, there is no hope. No more pain. Just the mourning. Even if it doesn’t end for some people.

« I am a God. » Sigurd says with a strong voice and at the same time it’s starting to rain, the storm is rumbling, no sound to be heard if it is not their loud breathing and the sound of rain. « I am a fucking God. » He backs up a little but hardly enough to look into Eivor’s pleading eyes and his are burning. When the Viking doesn’t answer, the jarl just keeps on repeating it with more and more anger and distress, screaming it in the end, as if it would make these words truer. 

« What is happening here? » shouts a feminine voice, Randvi’s voice. She’s looking with incomprehension at both of them, looking at Eivor first, and then at Sigurd who screams at her « What are doing here? What do you want? If you are also here to tell me that I am crazy you can just fucking leave! I am a God! » 

« What is he talking about? Eivor. » She’s asking, wondering if she should intervene with her men but the Viking makes a move to keep them away, their presence clearly bothering Sigurd even more. « I am not crazy. I am not mad. You know it Eivor. Why... Why... If you really love me. Then... » His strong voice becomes tinier and, in the end, only the Viking can hear his last words, thunder being loud enough to cover his voice for the others. « I do. I really do. So - » but Sigurd cuts him « So make them get out of here! » At that, Randvi speaks, clearly ready to force Sigurd to go home, even if she has to use strength for that but Eivor will not let it happen. « Go, I can handle this situation alone. » he says, looking at her only for a few seconds. « What? No! Sigurd has to go home now, he can’t stay here, not in his state, not with this storm. Neither of you too. » 

« I am not afraid of some rain drops, missing an arm doesn’t change anything to that. » the jarl spits it and Eivor makes a sign of his head to make them leave for good, and it is what they begin to do. At that, Eivor looks at his brother and gives him his hand « We have to go home. Come with me. Don’t stay here alone. » 

And the jarl only stares at him, biting his lip and moving his only arm, saying so softly « I can’t. I have nowhere to go. No home. Not here. Not on this earth. » 

« Stop with that. I am here. For me you are my home, so let me be yours. You don’t need to be a God to have me, to have our settlement and the love of all our warriors and men and women. » 

And for a moment he thinks that Sigurd will accept, will come with him but instead he just stands here, watching him silently before asking « Why don’t you want me to go to the Valhalla? » And Eivor knows that he will have to say his deeper fear right now, even if he is unprepared for that. But if he wants to find Sigurd’s trust again, he has to: « Because I don’t want to lose you now. I am not ready for it. I don’t want to lose you. » Then, his jarl slowly shakes his head before coming to Eivor and just hug him, his face hiding in Eivor’s neck, scenting the skin, and then he talks: « If I am not a God, then I am nothing. Without an arm I will not be able to die in a battle. I will never go to Valhalla. That is my fate. Gods, I can’t forget. I can’t forgive. I can’t, she’s just in my head all the time, screaming at me that I am a God, that I should be thankful for what she has done because now, I know who I am. What secret I was hiding in me all this time. If I am not a God, then what could I be? »

« You are my everything. » he whispers. 

« Then go with me to Valhalla. We will be together. » Sigurd says with this soft voice of his, and Eivor can hear and feel a tired smile on his lips. 

« Yes, that can be a good idea. We could go to the Hall of the Gods, eat and drink with Odin and Thor, and Freya will be by our side too. It would be great. » He says in a shivering breath. 

And he knows that Randvi is still here and she just shakes her head before leaving, already prepared to live the same story as with her brother for a second time. 

* * *

They are in Eivor’s bedroom, completely soaked but the fire warms them up a bit, giving to them a recomfort they needed after their discussion. Sigurd attentively watches the flames that are dancing in his iris, giving him a strange but powerful emotion in his features, one that Eivor loves looking at. He gets off some of his clothes to let them dry, sitting on his bed, wondering if he should say something or just stay silent and letting his brother in his thoughts for a while, to let him get himself together. So, as he thought, he stays quiet, not wanting to disturb whatever his jarl is up to. But seeing him staying inside his wet clothes bothers him. He could catch a cold and with his last day’s fragile constitution, it is not a good idea to let him in that state. So, he speaks with a cool voice, not wanting to surprise his jarl too much « You should get off some of your clothes. And get in bed. » Sigurd doesn’t respond for the moment, his eyes lost in the flames before turning on Eivor’s direction, his face still showing some sorrow but this time he seems hollower than anything else. He still doesn’t talk but does as Eivor asked, and lets himself fall on the bed with a loud huff, looking at the ceiling. The Viking smiles quietly, secretly, feeling his heart being crushed by every emotion that he feels, being hit by them like when he’s on a boat, shivering when a strong wave would try to drown him. 

Eivor lays beside his brother, wondering for a few minutes if he can embrace Sigurd or not, but he does it in the end, encircling him with his arms, burying his nose in the hollow of Sigurd’s neck, breathing his scent that calm his panicked spirit, making him close his eyes to enjoy the peace that it brings to him. The jarl puts his hand on one of Eivor’s arm, turning his head on the side so his face can touch Eivor’s. The Viking murmurs against the marked skin, kissing it sometimes « You are home. Just stay with me. You know that I love every part of you. » He hears a little laugh coming from his brother’s mouth and that makes something bloom in his chest, making him beam with joy at the idea that Sigurd is still able to laugh. « She’s still here. She is a part of me now, and I hate it. » he speaks, his eyes closed just like Eivor’s, both of them breathing in the other’s air, leaning against every little touch, every little show of affection. « Then we will have to make her disappear. She is dead, rotting in the ground. She can end like that too inside you mind. Let me help you. » And he kisses him softly, so sweetly on the lips that they have both barely felt anything. But it is enough, it expresses everything, every emotion that can’t be expressed by words. 

Sigurd turns to be on his side, this time watching with half-opened eyes, the icy blue of them eating the green ones of Eivor. It’s like he cannot escape from it, Sigurd’s eyes being too strong, too bewitching for the warrior, he cannot resist to it. he always succumbs to it. And so, he kisses him again, this time with more fiery, his hands desperately griping at Sigurd’s hips and back, loving feeling his jarl’s rough hand stroking the skin of his neck, taking it in his palm, feverishly deepening the kiss, poisoning Eivor’s mind, making him drown in the fog. « It is a wicked thing to love you. » he mumbles against Sigurd’s lips, feeling the shadow of desire on his flesh « What do you mean? » He asks softly, kissing Eivor’s cheek, his fingers caressing his shoulder and then his hair so teasingly and gently. Eivor holds his breath, enjoying the moment before answering, breathing out at the same time « It is so complicated to love you. To not feel scared that you will disappear one day, leaving me alone. » he takes a time to think and Sigurd lets him, only watching. « Loving someone, it’s opening ourself to our loved one, being sincere, being completely at the mercy of the other. It’s like being an open wound, it never heals. I could never heal from it, even if the Gods want it. I don’t feel sick because I love you. I feel sick because I don’t have the right to do so. Because you are not letting me love you freely. » 

Sigurd looks surprised and a bit confused, answering hesitantly, which isn’t common with him « I love you. I love you, Eivor. Whatever you think, whatever how much it is hard to love someone like me, I do love you. Like I never did before. I trust you like no one else. I’ve... Showed you my sickness. I showed you all the humiliations which are carved inside my skin for the rest of life. » Eivor puts his head against Sigurd, murmuring « I know. And some day you will understand what my words truly mean. And when this day will come, everything will be alright. You will be fine. » He smiles fondly at him but Sigurd lets himself cry at that. Silently. « I am so sorry. » And Eivor feels like his heart is ripped out of his chest, as if all his limbs were in fire, flames burning his whole skin, his body being boneless. « You have no reason to apologize. You haven't done anything wrong. » He tries to soothe him, rocking him as he can and Sigurd just cries louder, his shoulders shaking, his only hand gripping itself at Eivor, as if he would run away if he doesn’t do that. He tries to speak a few times but nothing is coherent for Eivor, or understandable but then he says, his voice being a mess like he never heard before « She’s here. Don’t leave me alone with her. Don’t leave me behind in the cage. Don’t. Please. » 

And the Viking can only squeeze him tighter, his throat also being tight, trying his best to not cry and to be strong for his jarl. He kisses his forehead, murmuring some sweat and comforting things against him, his mind leaving this world to go in the mist of Sigurd’s spirit, disappearing in it to get his brother out of this. To fight Fulke a last time. To kill her once and for all. Even if it means that he will lose himself too in the end, haunting the Hellheim with Sigurd by his side. Because: « I think you are right. You are a God. You are my God. There is no other explication. » 

_I love him too much. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter I just really wanted to show that Sigurd's obession about being a God, and so, even more after he get tortured, can be explained. That his ptsd doesn't help, it's not the same then when he was healthy where it was more like arrogance and his ego which. Here, I think it's more like he thinks that he's nothing if he is not a God, he needs to belive in that because, hell, Fulke tortured him for weeks, cuts his right arm... And the viking's culture is warlike so yes, I think he felt really like nothing. Felt like everything was taken from him.
> 
> So, hope that you enjoyed this chapter two! I will come back for the last one :)


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